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Why getting back with an ex is and so compelling

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You broke up, for good reasons. And then why do so many former couples reunite further down the line?

Eastward

Earlier this summer, 17 years subsequently they carve up, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got dorsum together – and triggered an internet avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous glory intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a ability couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike tin can't look away.

But perchance the nearly relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what's otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes found love once more.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality tin can be negative – ane filled with cautionary tales and onetime partners who tin't take a hint. But rebuilding a human relationship can also be a tempting venture and even a goal for some people, particularly when the success stories audio like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who intermission upwards and get back together is every bit high equally 50%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this process for some: amongst a global health crunch and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people found themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to observe that one-time spark.

Experts say that, if both former partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your ain tin yield positive benefits – if you're willing to put in a lot of work, and have an open up mind.

What draws people to exes

1 of the biggest upsides of re-inbound a one-time human relationship is that you lot mostly know what you're getting into. "There can exist some real advantages to really knowing a partner well before giving a long-term relationship a try once more," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Institute, an system that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic human relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, similar navigating a shared living space, money, sexual activity, kids, friends, family and more. Even happy couples have them, since a relationship is always fundamentally two different people with dissimilar personalities and worldviews.

Getting back together with an ex can lead to a fairy-tale happy ending, but only if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

Getting back together with an ex tin atomic number 82 to a fairy-tale happy ending, but merely if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Institute inquiry, these perpetual differences make upwardly 69% of the issues most couples face in a relationship. Long-lasting, ho-hum-burning problems are the real human relationship poison – not large, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Near marriages or relationships stop past ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "find it as well hard to talk well-nigh or work on differences effectually fundamental problems. They often grow more distant, and [become] more similar roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That'due south why some people may want to get dorsum together with an one-time partner, or to try and stick information technology out with their current one. Considering while we often go into a new relationship expecting information technology'll exist better than the last, McNulty urges some circumspection: "If you're in a relationship and you lot're thinking about leaving, be careful, because you're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with one partner with 69% of perpetual differences for some other."

Then if you get dorsum with an ex, y'all at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the human relationship could experience like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"Yous're picking up where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sex therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and education at Teachers College, Columbia Academy, in New York City. For some people, it feels "better to go back to someone that y'all kind of know something almost, than someone you don't know annihilation about".

Celebrating what's changed

Another benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's changed in the time you've spent apart. Yous may be disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because y'all're not aware of how they might have grown and changed in a positive way over time. With an ex, y'all get more of a before-and-after snapshot. Kuriansky says one of the most common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women'southward networking organisation called FemCity, who's spoken publicly nigh how she remarried her ex-husband of 20 years in 2022. "When we started to date again, it was dainty because nosotros knew each other, but certain elements of us had changed," she says. "Nosotros both worked on areas nosotros needed to piece of work on while apart, and we were in many means 'new' to i another."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved fabricated reconnecting a beautiful process while working through some of the pain from the break-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our human relationship for granted. He started to go me thoughtful gifts, and will now stop randomly and share his love for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the first time around."

Conversely, if you've spent a long time abroad from someone, get dorsum together and find that you autumn into the aforementioned toxic patterns as before with that person, that knowledge tin can be advantageous, too. Sensing that y'all're going to meet the same headaches all again could requite you the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel like, 'oh gosh, perchance I tin work through that gridlock issue we had'," says McNulty. Only he stresses the primal is "people need to know what their irreconcilable bug were earlier, and really have an honest look at whether or not everything's different at present".

Rekindling an old romance is definitely not for everyone, relationship experts say, but the familiarity that exists can lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

Rekindling an old romance is definitely not for anybody, human relationship experts say, but the familiarity that exists tin can lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic love and sex'

Before you outset sliding into your ex'southward DMs, ask yourself why you lot're doing it – because plenty can get wrong.

While ane of the joys of getting back with an ex is the comfort or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort can be misplaced, peculiarly lately as we seem to alive among abiding anarchy. Final May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, which studies sex and relationships, suggested that equally many as 1 in 5 people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call information technology 'apocalyptic dear and sex'," she says. "Which is, 'there ain't no tomorrow, so I better settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it'south common for people to reconnect with past lovers due to "the sense at that place could not exist a tomorrow – now with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people feel like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", and then they want to go dorsum to a person who at one time provided dearest and security.

Accept a hard look at why you're reaching out to an former flame. Is information technology because you're trying to quiet anxiety from scary news headlines by seeking comfort from an old flame, and not considering you lot actually miss the human relationship and are willing to go through the very real effort of making information technology piece of work? If it's the latter, take that as a red flag.

Kuriansky also advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family earlier pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, specially if the relationship concluded badly. But the purpose of this exercise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring you back downwards to Earth and remind you why the relationship was problematic.

"Be prepared for other people'due south opinions. Nearly people volition say, 'What? Y'all're getting back together? Are y'all kidding? Why?' They're going to bring up all those memories, so how are you lot going to bargain with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be ready to confront those memories – not merely with yourself and with your loved ones, but with your ex themselves, which can be the hardest part. "That is 1 piece that was rather challenging and we had to piece of work through. Leaving the past in the past," says de Ayala. "There is and then much history that can be dragged up, simply in that location has to exist a mutual agreement that from here frontwards, forgiveness, communication and the feeling of [starting] afresh" is what will conduct the relationship farther into the future, she says.

Many of us may find ourselves longing for a lost dear. If we go near it in a realistic, good for you way, it could, possibly, work out – if both people are on the aforementioned folio.